I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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