when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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