he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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