just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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