he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
