I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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