I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
