hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Slut skills are useful in every country.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
