At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I need to stop coming to work sober
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
