Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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