I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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