Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
