Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
