I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
