If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
