In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
