never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
