I am puke
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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