if you like me you must not know who I am
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
