saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
