if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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