we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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