You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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