I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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