i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
