no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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