I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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