Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
They are going to name an STD after you.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
