i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
