your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize