So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
