i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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