I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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