woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
