i permit you to call me
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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