ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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