Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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