Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize