I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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