My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
