I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
