I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
