Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize