Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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