I think scott just propositioned me for sex
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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