Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
