You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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