so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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