This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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