I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize