Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
