Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
