i think my tv is drunk
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
