I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize