it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
