5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
