I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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