I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
