when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
