You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
