you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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